Nosferatu MD

You're a surgeon, but you're a TERRIBLE surgeon. You're also an EXCELLENT vampire, and it's great to suck at your job! Bite patients, build pressure in their hearts, then step back and behold the mighty blood geysers you have created. While you get to work vacuuming that blood before a patrolling nurse spots it, the patients become vampire bats. At the end of your shift, fill those bats WITH THEIR OWN BLOOD – they'll pop into humanoid form, your boss will tally them as healed humans, and your sham job will continue, full of higher rank and unwarranted praise!